“Be Strong and Take Heart, all you who Hope in the Lord.”  Psalms 31:24

Look at this cool picture from my friend Billy Cannon.  If God can hold this little bubble in turbulent waters and allow such a beautiful moment to come out of it, how much more can he do that for you and me?

When I think back over all that has happened in the last week…I think wow, has it only been a week?  It’s hard to believe that it’s been a few weeks since my seizure and diagnosis and pretty much time has gone, sometimes fast, sometimes slow…but it goes on.

In my last couple blogs I explained a bit on some options for treatment for me.  I’ve struggled really finding peace in a way to go.  I’m not great at making decisions by myself, I have always been a firm believer of surrounding myself with people who have the same heart and direction and asking them to council me.  Whether it’s soccer decisions, parenting decisions, decorating, whatever… I’ve always trusted those around me to help me.  This decision has been no different for me.

We have been very blessed with connections to so many doctors, facilities and just wise people to give us their opinions.  The doctors have been gracious to talk to Scott anytime, calling us from their vacation or where they are speaking to help us out.  We have heard from Duke, MD Anderson, AR Baptist and UAMS.  Pretty sure we could be on the phone with people from other places or these places all the time.  But, we knew we needed to make a decision and get going on fighting this battle.

We had pretty much been told by several doctors that I needed to get going on Radiation and Chemo at least 4 weeks after my seizure.  We had considered surgery to remove the tumors and again you have many brilliant minds with differing thoughts on the process.  In the end Scott and I felt like the risk of surgery wasn’t worth it at this point.  So we have decided to begin the chemo/radiation treatment….today.  Geez….TODAY!

I know I posted back about the Mask I have to wear and I am still less than thrilled at the idea of wearing it.  Today I will go and they will do the 30 minute run through (basically to make sure they have everything set with the machine before they zap me with radiation.)   When I am done with that they want to do my first treatment.  So I will be laying there longer than normal.  Please pray for peace for me during this process.  Ask the Lord to give me clarity on the verses he wants me to repeat and to remember them while I’m laying there.  Pray that I can be a light to the technicians and other patients and that this step will begin the process of killing the tumors and little arms trying to infiltrate my brain.

Today I am holding on to the promises and Truths of this passage in Romans.  It is one of my favorites.  Paul was writing reminding us that if we are in Christ than NOTHING  we encounter will be able to defeat us because of what Jesus already accomplished for us on the cross.

Romans 8:31-39

More Than Conquerors

³¹ What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³² He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

God is greater than any battle we will face.  IF God is for us….which he has promised that he is and has shown up big time by sending Jesus in our place….then no one/nothing CAN be against us and stand.  God desires to bless us and give us ALL THINGS.  I’m not saying God desires to give me millions of dollars, but desires to give me the BEST of ALL THINGS that I need.  He knows what I need more than I could ever know.

³³ Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴ Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.

Jesus himself is praying for me.  I think about Jesus being in the garden with sweats of blood coming down because he knew the cross was just around the corner.  He knew where to go for strength and he spent time alone with his Father throughout his time on earth communing through prayer.  Jesus is praying for me….he is praying for you…he desires for our hearts to be drawn to him in complete dependence and to pour out our hearts to our Father.

³⁵ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶ As it is written:

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[k]neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

We are promised to conqueror every situation we face because he loves us.  It’s nothing we can do.  We cannot earn the right to be a better conqueror because of what we have done.  His promise in ALL THESE things is based off of who HE is and the love he showed us through Jesus death for us.  There is nothing – in my case, not even cancer -that can separate me from God’s love.  He has promised to fight this battle for me, to sustain me and in the end I will conqueror it because of who he is.  I could throw a party after I read this passage!  

So as I move forward through this 6 first week journey of Chemo/radiation please pray these things for me:

• Peace as I lay on the machine and complete focus on the Lord
• Peace as my M-F days will be going to get the radiation and remembering to take medicine 
• Good health and energy during my treatment
• For God to continue to give me opportunities to encourage my family, soccer players and anyone else the Lord brings into my path – may I never listen to the lies of the devil and may I continue to claim his Truth to matter what.

Seriously so thankful and humbled by all of you.  Please feel free to send me your prayer requests.  I have so many journals going right now for different things, but I want to be faithful to pray for you as you struggle or battle.  I like to spend as little time thinking about myself and praying for others has been such a blessing to me already.

I know it’s been a couple of days since I wrote anything and honestly not ignoring this opportunity, I have just been loved on by so many, so well that face to face relationships have taken priority to me sitting down to write.  I also have been in a holding pattern it seems on what to do next.  Let me tell you first about the blessings that have occurred in my life the last couple of days which has just brought distraction and just joy to me.

I have to admit the days sort of run together and without a “set” schedule the days run together and I am going from one thing to the next.  I look forward to the daily visits from different people who have been able to pour into me encouragement, prayer, laughs and just normalcy.

Saturday morning we said goodbye to our older three who headed to Colorado on a mission trip.  They were excited about the opportunity to go and never once vocalized whether they should go or not.  For that I am thankful.  They trust in the One that I trust in and they are living that out by continuing to press on and forward in what they have been called to go and do.  Please pray for them while they are gone.  Pray that they grow and learn to trust the Lord in a whole new way.  Pray for me while they are gone.  I’ve never cried when my kids have left for trips…. but I did this time.  I don’t even know why.  I am thankful for the phones….they send me all kinds of pics so I can see them doing what they are doing and that makes me smile.  So our house will be a bit quieter this week.  

Saturday I had the awesome privilege to represent my school, players and other coaches at the state sports banquet.  Goodness was it fun to watch players who have put in so much time and energy into their passion and watch how they have already succeeded and how they desire to continue on in their sport of passion going forward.  It was fun for me as well because I had two of my high school players were recognized and there were four girls I have coached in club who were also recognized for their accomplishments which was fun.  For the four hours I was there I felt normal and cancer wasn’t a part of the night.

I was very humbled to be named girls soccer coach of the year for Arkansas and stand with the other great coaches being recognized for their own commitments and successes.  It was just a great evening of celebration.  I have learned through this never to take these moments for granted.  To soak it all in and enjoy the experience you are living without looking for the next thing or how you wish things were different than they turn out to be.  I had the opportunity to meet the volleyball coach of the year as well and just as the Lord likes to do, she had just heard about my diagnosis the day before and been praying for me without even knowing we would be at the same banquet. God has surrounded me with such awesome prayer warriors and I am very thankful.  Please pray for me to just soak in every moment I’ve been given no matter how small it may seem.  I don’t want to miss anything!

I’ve struggled to finish this the past day and a half because I have really been pressing into the Lord to say, “what do you want to show me?”  I am spending so much time in the Word and reading great devotionals, books and stories that so many of you have sent me that have been so encouraging for me.  Honestly I’ve felt like a “normal” person the last couple of days.  An undeserved, blessed, normal person lol.

But, I woke up today and the Lord gave me a direct message through His Word and I want to share it with you:

I read in 1 Kings 19:11-13 about Elijah’s time with the Lord.  Leading up to this moment he had battled the prophets of Baal and had defeated them by calling down fire from heaven, while they struggled – cutting themselves and begging Baal to show up…and he never did.  Elijah trusted in the Lord and the Lord provided the fire and consumed everything around it proving once and for all that he is the only TRUE God.  (1Kings 18:1-46)

Even after this success Elijah was in a battle and being chased by queen Jezebel and he ran away to escape.  He was tired and warn out and ready to die.  He begged God to allow him to die.  But, the Lord ministered to him and brought him food and water and encouragement in a different form…..

1 Kings 19:11-13

¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.

After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire.

And after the fire came a gentle whisper.¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

So often we battle or life gets hard and we just want God to take it away or show up big or do something….anything at that moment.  And honestly we miss him working in our lives because of what we expect should happen or how it should go.

As I sit and think about my own struggles right now I feel Elijah.  “God this battle, this enemy, these decisions, THIS…is too much.  I just want to serve you like I’ve been doing, ministering to my family and others…not dealing with THIS.”  But, he’s reminding me that THIS has been given to me for MY BETTER and that HE is Faithful Forever.

The desires for me to not be blown away by the loudness, the hard news, the storms, the wind, the fire…ect, He desires for me to sit and hear his whisper and to come near to him as he ministers to my heart.   I love the question he asks Elijah, “What are you doing here?”  When I come to the Lord with my questions, doubt, fear, uncertainty – he’s asking me, “what are you doing here?”  He wants to know the deepest desire of my heart and is my heart focused on him and what he can and promises to do in and through me or am I struggling in the storm waiting to sink not trusting that God CAN and he WILL do what is best and necessary to draw me closer to himself moment by moment.

I can say pretty honestly, I wouldn’t have chosen cancer.  However, I can also say that through this experience I get to hear the whisper of God in my heart and mind like I never have before and he is really asking me if I trust him.   I wake up everyday and must choose to trust and not be blown away by the storms around me.  I trust in the one who holds my life and I trust that he will minister to me every moment, in every way that I need it.  He will hold me and whisper to me, “My faithful love endures forever.”

I’ve included a picture of Psalm 136:1-9 today which was such a blessing to me this morning.  Please pray these things for me:

1.  That I will always be thankful and give thanks to the Lord
2. That I will always focus on that he is faithful and his love endures forever
3. He who made and maintains the heavens – is caring for me through each whisper, call, doctor and experience – I don’t want to miss his voice!
4. And just pray that as we have to make final decisions the next couple of days that I will have complete peace and TRUST that the Lord is leading us and has this

Thank you everyone for your faithfulness to pray and walk with us.  If I am the only one changed through this experience, it’s not worth it to me.  I am fervently praying for God to move each of us to love him greater and to live that out ever day.  He has a story to tell through this and goodness we are going to be blown away!   #hopewarrior

Today is Tuesday and honestly Sunday and Monday were sort of a blur for me.  I had been blessed to be prayed over Sunday at church and through Scott’s cousin who drove down from Kansas to lay hands on me.  I believe that the Lord may have used his power, spoken through his people to heal me, but I don’t know that at this moment so I have been living in a very real battle.

I have really been at peace with this whole situation and I cannot explain how that’s possible, except that God has given that peace to me.  A clear path had been given to me to follow for treatment and I was focused on that walking forward.  However, the Lord decided to give me something new and now it’s a battle in my mind and what to do going forward.

We have been blessed with a wonderful neighbor who works at UAMS in the brain tumor area – sorry I know there’s correct titles and specific jobs, but I don’t remember!  Anyway, Scott and I have been given the opportunity to go today to visit with a doctor who specializes in removing tumors prior to treatment.  He feels like my tumors could be removed and then with a clean brain cavity we attack the remaining cells through radiation and chemo.  The whole idea of this has really tripped me up and now I’m really praying through which direction the Lord desires for us to follow.  I have to admit it’s a lot to allow someone access close to my brain and work in there when something could get cut or something could happen while they are in there.  There’s the second part of this which is that the second surgery they would have me awake while they remove things.  I’ve never been a doctor person or surgery person so it’s all new to me.  So I am battling the fear, the unknown and the correct path to follow.

I am really asking for serious prayer for me today.  Here is where I need you to focus:

• No FEAR – that I may completely trust the Lord in the decision that is best for us
• Clear DIRECTION – Scott and I are praying that we will have peace to know which direction we follow – it’s an either or
• Confident DECISION – I’m not a confident decision maker and I love to get other people’s input.  I know in the end the final decision on what we choose will rest on my shoulders and that is hard for me to accept.
• Total HEALING – praying that God uses whichever direction to completely heal me.  I haven’t focused on this much, but I know that God desires for us to ask what is on our hearts so I am asking for this

The devil desires to pick me off and to not allow the story of Christ to penetrate the hearts of those the Lord is drawing close.  But we have been given a battle plan.  I was reading through 1 Peter 5:8-11 and these Truths were necessary for me today and I pray they speak to your heart as well:

8 – Be ALERT and of SOBER MIND.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

• We must understand that we are in a battle.  When we sit back and relax we allow ourselves to be an easy target and our faith and growth will be affected.  We must call out these attacks and stand behind Jesus so we come forth victorious.

9- RESIST him, standing FIRM in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

• Hard times are rarely things we rejoice over.  However, in my life I have seen the Lord grow me and use the hardest times to make my faith stronger and who he is more real then the easy times.
• We are never walking this journey alone.  I have been so blessed by so many of you as you share your stories of your own lives and it has encouraged me to press forward and continue to keep my eyes fixed forward on the Lord.  The Lord never wastes are suffering.  Thank you for encouraging me and lifting me up as you share your own battles.

10- And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF RESTORE YOU and make you STRONG, FIRM AND STEADFAST.

• I am clinging to this promise and truth.  God HIMSELF will restore me and he will use this to make me strong, my faith firm and steadfast.  He promises to never waste our difficulties.  I don’t know what my restoration will look like – but I do know in the end I will be restored completely in his glory to worship him forever.

11-TO HIM BE THE POWER  for every and ever. Amen.

• God has all the power to heal me….today….next week or when he chooses.  I am asking him to do that.  I don’t know if his desire is to use this new opportunity that has been given to me or that he desires to use what we had planned before.  But I believe that he has the power to do it.

Please pray through these verses with me the next couple of days. We will have many decisions to make and I want to be faithful to follow the Lord’s path for us.  I don’t want to get pulled into the battle and I don’t want to allow the devil to have one moment of my life to distract me or pull me away from what the Lord desires to do through me.

Thank you friends for holding up my arms in this battle, like Joshua and Hur did for Moses in Exodus 17-I cannot walk and succeed in this battle alone – I need arm holders to defeat this! 

“I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him.  I have put my hope in his word.”  Psalm 130:5

As I sit to write this, let me just say I have been blessed.  I am blessed by so many visits, messages and scriptures that you all have been sending me.  You are keeping me focused on what is True and what is important so that I can battle and stand securely where the Lord has placed me.

Today is Sunday.  I had been asked by our pastor if I would be willing to come and be prayed over at church.  I am a firm believer in prayer and I knew that if the opportunity was presented I would never hesitate.  I believe God can move and I also believe that our faith grows as we choose to ask God to do the miraculous.  It was an opportunity to share with our church family where we are and for each of us to be able to say, “Lord we trust you to move because your Word clearly tells us you will when we come to you.”  I have to admit I have been just at peace with this whole situation that I wasn’t expecting to cry or to be broken… but I was wrong.

Today at church we were finishing the book of Colossians.  We read Colossians 4:2-5 and the Lord spoke to me clearly and rocked me out of where I was when I walked into church this morning.  He desired me to really know his heart for me and to step forward obediently and I didn’t see it coming until I was knee deep in his word.

So here’s what he spoke over me today:

Colossians 4:2-5

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ”

• Devote – be steadfast, don’t give up in prayer – be persistent when you talk to the Lord.  When we pray we will are in a battle.  A very real battle.  When we pray in thanksgiving we are reminded what God has already done in our lives and that we can indeed trust him

“And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains.  Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should.”

• When I read these verses I wept.  I know that God has given me an open door to proclaim who he is.  Here Paul is in chains and on the road to death, and his only concern was for others to hear the gospel and to be saved.  He wasn’t concerned with his own self or what the end result may be.  That’s real living faith.  Pray that I see this picture of the door the Lord has given me and to walk through it in all confidence knowing he will use it to demonstrate who he is.

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

• The Lord has given me this opportunity and I want to be faithful to how he desires for me to use every moment.  I want to be full of grace (giving people what they don’t deserve), seasoned with salt (living out the Truth of the gospel so they may desire it for themselves) and with wisdom to know how to love those around me who are hurting and need a touch from Jesus.

For God’s perfect wisdom he has decided to use this platform, this door, to proclaim his truth.  I don’t know why chose to use me.  This wasn’t my plan.  I cried in church just wondering what the Lord saw in me that would accomplish his will in this way.  He didn’t tell me, but he’s asking me to trust him and walk forward through the door he has opened.

I don’t know what the Lord is going to do specifically in and through this, but I am focused on his heart and I’ve seen him show up too much in my life that I know he won’t waste this. I pray for you too.  We all are given a door and so often we shut the door, discount it’s importance or we walk away.  Today, ask Him to show you your door and then that he will fill you with the courage to walk through it.

I am praying through some of these truths right now….

Thank you for the continued prayers.  I had planned to finish this yesterday and the Lord desired for me to rest a bit instead so I’m just finishing this up now.  Thank you all.

“When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” 

Psalm 94:19

As I am sitting here getting to write this, it occurs to me that this is the first Saturday in over a month at least that I have nothing on my schedule.  The steroids have me busy working and cleaning but, I have no where to be.  May was filled with the end of the soccer season and state tourneys and getting ready to try and pull out the state high school championship.  The last two weeks ends were filled with hospital stays and getting the diagnosis that we are now faced with.  So I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that it’s Saturday and I have no where to be and no schedule.  Very different for me.

This past week has been filled with dr appointments and working through the diagnosis and new reality that we will face moving forward.  Some days I wonder if it’s really hit me or has God really just given me the peace I need to not have one ounce of worry at all.  While I am at peace, I have to be honest getting the mask fitting yesterday wasn’t as easy as I had hoped and prayed it would be.

It reminded me of the movie “Man in the Iron Mask” where one of the twin brothers was forced to live with a metal mask on his face as punishment from his brother.  The moment the mask was removed – you could see freedom and rest he hadn’t experienced before.  This image came to my mind as I lay on the table getting my own mask fitted yesterday.

For my radiation treatment I will go for 6 weeks everyday to basically lay on a machine and get specific passes of radiation for a small time frame.  I don’t know exactly how many minutes it will take, but I have been ok with the idea of it and accepted it as what I need to do.  Well, yesterday I went in to get my mask fitted for the table.  Some of you will know what I’m talking about and some of you may have had your own mask fitting at some point – goodness if this is you, so many prayers and new understanding.  It was new to me.

I walked into the room and they told me I needed to take out all my jewelry and I needed to take my braid and cute little scarf off my hair and then lay on the table.  They needed to band my legs together I guess so I didn’t move and then the tech began working on the foam pillow my head was on so it was formed however it was supposed to be.  He showed me the flat screen that they would warm for 5 minutes to put over my head and he finished what he needed to do.  He brought the flat mask over to attach to my head and then we realized my hair would get stuck to the mask, so we really need a shower cap on first to save my hair, lol.  So we did that and then had to wait another 5 minutes for the new mask to warm up.

As he brought the mask over, I really was relaxed just focused and spending time talking to the Lord in my mind.  He pulled the flat plastic (which would open for holes once stretched), and worked to attach it to the table.  I had been warned I couldn’t move at all and he worked to create little pockets of air for my nose and encouraged me to open my mouth a bit so I could breath through my mouth as well.

Did I enjoy this process?  No.  Was I ok?  Yes.  Did I stay ok, probably not – but, thankfully the beeping and movement didn’t last any longer so the heat sweats and racing heart didn’t cause me to scream or start over.  I don’t tell you all of this to make you feel bad for me or freak you out, but for you to understand what getting a mask is like and a way for you to pray for me going forward.  I will be strapped under this mask everyday and I can’t move while I’m there.  I’m praying the Lord gives me focus and clarity for those moments so that I can sing in my mind or review Bible passages and not allow my heart to race too fast and affect my breathing.  No wonder I never wanted to be an astronaut!

As I thought about this I was reminded that Jesus made the decision to do what no one else would’ve chosen to do, to march to the cross and die for each of us.  He knew what it would entail and yet he depended on his father in order to fulfill his calling.  The night he was arrested Jesus was in anguish and you can see the depth of the stress of what he would endure in this passage from Luke 21:

³⁹ Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.⁴⁰ On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” ⁴¹ He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, ⁴² “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.⁴⁴ And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.^[a]

While Jesus loves us, he knew the journey he was going to have to go down and being fully human he knew it would hurt, he knew he would be separated from the Father and knew the cost of choosing to walk that road.  As I read this and know the journey that is in front of me I can learn a lot by following Jesus’ example:

1.  I must be completely reliant and focused on prayer
2. I must never look and focus on my own desire – I must be submitted to and committed to what the Lord desire to do in and through me
3. I must be honest with the Lord on my struggles and be vulnerable so he can fill me and lead me
4. The Lord will send me who/what I need so that I can walk this journey and remain faithful
5. Jesus’ physical body showed signs of the stress of what was going on inside of him and what would take place – I myself must expect moments of difficulty – mentally and physically going forward

These are ways you can pray for me as I begin this journey.  My hearts desire is to follow Jesus’ example and to be faithful no matter what is going on,  that the Lord gets the glory through every circumstance, no matter how unpleasant it may be for me.

Here’s where I am so thankful and really have found myself just weeping over so many times.  While Jesus struggled, he had asked his disciples to pray and to stay alert for him.  Of course they didn’t understand the magnitude of what was about to happen, but Jesus spend these moments of anguish alone.

⁴⁵ When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. ⁴⁶ “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”

I pray so hard that I will not fall into temptation to doubt and that through this process my faith will grow deeper and I will see the face of Jesus like I never have before.  I am so thankful….so thankful…. so thankful for the messages, Bible passages and everything else from everyone.  Unlike Jesus, I have been surrounded by people who are not asleep.  They are warriors battling for me and keeping me focused and going.  I could not be faithful or fight without you.  I need you and I am so thankful for your faithfulness and support.  We are going to have an amazing story to tell through this!

Here’s a picture of my mask

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

So I’ve had a few days to begin to see doctors and to begin to live this life battling cancer and it’s affects.  My life has been one of ease really.  No doctor appointments and no struggles.  A few years ago I started swelling up from ibuprofen and so I had to quit taking that.  I’ve never struggled with my health and I have honestly probably taken it for granted.  Who has time to deal with health issues anyway?  It’s amazing how much can change in just a couple weeks.

One of the blessings of this cancer right now is the steroid they have given me.  So, I’ve always been a pretty busy person getting stuff done and moving…now that’s been kicked up a bit.  I’m constantly looking for things to do and keeping busy, doing something.  I’m hoping before they take me off of it I’ve gone through every corner of my house!  I need to!  So much to do and I guess the blessing right now is that I have the time to get some stuff done.

One of the things I’ve never liked doing is going to the doctor.  Never had a reason to go really and I’ve been very thankful that it hasn’t been needed.  The last couple days my days have been focused on doctor appointments and beginning the process of setting up my treatment.  It’s hard to sit and listen to the doctor talk to you about how you have cancer and what will need to happen to help you fight this thing.  It doesn’t matter that they are pulling staples out of your head and you are obviously the one they are talking about, when in reality you don’t feel like it could be you.  I look at the other people in the waiting room and my heart breaks for them because they are sick…and then you remember that you are technically sick too.  Honestly, I just want to get the blood drawn get done and get to living – coaching again.  Who has time for this?

Here’s the deal.  I firmly believe this.  The Lord has brought me to this point for a reason.  The more I have poured over scripture, he keeps speaking to me and asking me to trust him.  No matter what the doctors tell me or the treatment plan or whatever, the Lord is saying, “do you trust me?”  I always thought I did.  But my faith hasn’t been tested or put out there like it is now.  He is asking me to follow him and to walk in the way he is leading me.  Does that mean it’s all been easy?  No.  Does that mean I would want to go back to my life I was living 2 weeks ago, yes.  But, he knows me better than I know myself and He has designed an opportunity for me to know him in a greater way and to really determine if my faith is genuine.

My faith is tested when I hear the doctors talking about my treatment.  My faith is tested when the scans really do show what people tell me they show.  My faith is tested when my head is sore from the incision.  My faith is tested when I look at my family and I have to think, will I see them here in 10 years.  But, the Lord has given me his peace.   He desires for me to keep my eyes fixed on him and his Truth and to live each day to love others and point them to the cross.  I can’t explain how he has done this in my life, but he has.  I choose Jesus above all else and trust that He will lead me where he desires to use me.  Today I choose to walk where he calls me and to rely completely on him for every moment of every day.

Please continue to pray for me to have opportunities to encourage and share my story with others.  I would like this cancer to not only change me, but to change anyone who will take the time to allow Jesus to speak to them through me.

Sunday is always such a relief for me.  It’s the beginning of the week, but it is there to help me focus my week on what’s important and to really spend time with my creator.  Today was tough.  He knows that.  I wanted to just crawl in his lap and allow him to comfort me and hold me.  He allowed me that opportunity but, then spoke his sweetness into my soul.  To comfort and encourage me to press on EVEN in what I’m facing now.  He isn’t surprised by my circumstances, he has allowed them and desires to teach me and guide me through them.

Even though all of this is pretty new, I can already see him working in my life.  He has reminded me of the journey he has already taken me on and how he has showed up and worked to grow me closer to him and to show me where I needed to allow him to mold me and use me.

I’m not going to pretend to know why or how this is all going to go.  Because I don’t know.  But, I know the one who does know.  That brings me comfort and focus for the unknown that is coming a head for me.  I know God loves me.  I know He desires to grow me.  I know he is going to use my life and experiences to bring others to himself.  And I am humbled by all of that.

I have been recently thinking about an experience I had as teenager and don’t know why the Lord has brought it to my mind, but I know things don’t just happen.  When I was 16, I was helping coach a soccer team.  I was on my way to a tourney with a teammate/co-coach when we were hit and involved in a serious car wreck.  The Lord graciously moved the car to keep her and myself from the brunt of the hit, but one of my little player’s dad was driving the car and he was hit.  It ended up being one of those scenes in the movies with the jaws of life and helicopters.  It was a moment for me that changed my life.  I was a happy teenager with things going great and here I was covered in glass and blood in a car waiting to be rescued.  As a teenager obviously my looks meant a lot to me and it was hard for me to be cut up and wondering how things were going to be years down the road.  I worried about my collegiate career and finding a guy who would love my scarred faced.

As I look back at what the Lord did through that situation, I can see the Lord working all through it.  But, I failed.  Sometime after I went through the situation, one of my friends was also in a car wreck, slashed her face up and went through some of the same things I had gone through.  I wasn’t mature enough at the time to understand the opportunity the Lord had given me to minister to someone else.  To take the focus off of myself and to use my battle to encourage someone else.  This has stuck with me and I have gone back to it many times.  I vowed I would never waste a moment that the Lord gave me and I would trust that my difficulties had purpose and He would use them for my good, his glory and for others.

I don’t know where this journey is taking me in the end.  But, I know the one who walks beside me.  He hasn’t changed or become less than what he was a week ago.  He has called me to come deep and to trust him and through my life I’ve learned he’s the only one I can truly trust no matter what I see.

I sat in church today and I wept.  I wept because I know that the Lord of the universe has decided to use my life for something greater than I expected.  I wept because he has a plan and someday I’ll know the why.   I wept because I am surrounded by such amazing family and friends who love me and sacrifice so much to serve me.  Cancer stinks and it’s not God’s design.  But, he can use the worst of things to do the best of things.  I raise my hand to say, “Lord here I am and if going through this brings me closer to you and if going through this draws others to you, then I surrender and together we are going to move mountains!”  It’s Sunday and God is on his throne, working in my life and I don’t know why he chose me at this moment for this situation, but someday I will know and I will be thankful for what the Lord has done.

“There is one thing I always do.  Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me.”  Philippians 3:13-14

Prayer Requests:

• My strength and heart to be focused on the Lord NO MATTER WHAT
• Right questions and direction when we meet with doctors
• To minister to my kids, the teens on my teams and other teens who struggle with the why in all of this
• For Scott and I to just grow closer and closer together through this

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him” Psalm 28:7

I’ve written a few things here and some how the words have disappeared.  So I’m going to keep this short so I know whether this is working.  I’ve decided to start a blog to just keep me focused on what I need to focus on during this time and to share with others my heart.  If no one else reads this, it’s ok.  Lord, use my experience to make me more like you and to encourage others to seek you and serve you every day we are blessed to live here.  I’ve been given the cancer diagnosis and I am going to be in a battle for as long as the Lord desires.  I trust in a Savior that changes people and he has done things to make me weep.  He knows I need him more than ever and I am going to fall deeper and deeper in love with him in each moment and during this battle.

I plan to use this to encourage others and to share my heart.  Hopefully I figured out how to publish this, so if this works I’ll write more tomorrow.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton