“When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.”
Psalm 94:19
As I am sitting here getting to write this, it occurs to me that this is the first Saturday in over a month at least that I have nothing on my schedule. The steroids have me busy working and cleaning but, I have no where to be. May was filled with the end of the soccer season and state tourneys and getting ready to try and pull out the state high school championship. The last two weeks ends were filled with hospital stays and getting the diagnosis that we are now faced with. So I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that it’s Saturday and I have no where to be and no schedule. Very different for me.
This past week has been filled with dr appointments and working through the diagnosis and new reality that we will face moving forward. Some days I wonder if it’s really hit me or has God really just given me the peace I need to not have one ounce of worry at all. While I am at peace, I have to be honest getting the mask fitting yesterday wasn’t as easy as I had hoped and prayed it would be.
It reminded me of the movie “Man in the Iron Mask” where one of the twin brothers was forced to live with a metal mask on his face as punishment from his brother. The moment the mask was removed – you could see freedom and rest he hadn’t experienced before. This image came to my mind as I lay on the table getting my own mask fitted yesterday.
For my radiation treatment I will go for 6 weeks everyday to basically lay on a machine and get specific passes of radiation for a small time frame. I don’t know exactly how many minutes it will take, but I have been ok with the idea of it and accepted it as what I need to do. Well, yesterday I went in to get my mask fitted for the table. Some of you will know what I’m talking about and some of you may have had your own mask fitting at some point – goodness if this is you, so many prayers and new understanding. It was new to me.
I walked into the room and they told me I needed to take out all my jewelry and I needed to take my braid and cute little scarf off my hair and then lay on the table. They needed to band my legs together I guess so I didn’t move and then the tech began working on the foam pillow my head was on so it was formed however it was supposed to be. He showed me the flat screen that they would warm for 5 minutes to put over my head and he finished what he needed to do. He brought the flat mask over to attach to my head and then we realized my hair would get stuck to the mask, so we really need a shower cap on first to save my hair, lol. So we did that and then had to wait another 5 minutes for the new mask to warm up.
As he brought the mask over, I really was relaxed just focused and spending time talking to the Lord in my mind. He pulled the flat plastic (which would open for holes once stretched), and worked to attach it to the table. I had been warned I couldn’t move at all and he worked to create little pockets of air for my nose and encouraged me to open my mouth a bit so I could breath through my mouth as well.
Did I enjoy this process? No. Was I ok? Yes. Did I stay ok, probably not – but, thankfully the beeping and movement didn’t last any longer so the heat sweats and racing heart didn’t cause me to scream or start over. I don’t tell you all of this to make you feel bad for me or freak you out, but for you to understand what getting a mask is like and a way for you to pray for me going forward. I will be strapped under this mask everyday and I can’t move while I’m there. I’m praying the Lord gives me focus and clarity for those moments so that I can sing in my mind or review Bible passages and not allow my heart to race too fast and affect my breathing. No wonder I never wanted to be an astronaut!
As I thought about this I was reminded that Jesus made the decision to do what no one else would’ve chosen to do, to march to the cross and die for each of us. He knew what it would entail and yet he depended on his father in order to fulfill his calling. The night he was arrested Jesus was in anguish and you can see the depth of the stress of what he would endure in this passage from Luke 21:
39 Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.40 On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” 41 He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” 43 An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.44 And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.[a]
While Jesus loves us, he knew the journey he was going to have to go down and being fully human he knew it would hurt, he knew he would be separated from the Father and knew the cost of choosing to walk that road. As I read this and know the journey that is in front of me I can learn a lot by following Jesus’ example:
- I must be completely reliant and focused on prayer
- I must never look and focus on my own desire – I must be submitted to and committed to what the Lord desire to do in and through me
- I must be honest with the Lord on my struggles and be vulnerable so he can fill me and lead me
- The Lord will send me who/what I need so that I can walk this journey and remain faithful
- Jesus’ physical body showed signs of the stress of what was going on inside of him and what would take place – I myself must expect moments of difficulty – mentally and physically going forward
These are ways you can pray for me as I begin this journey. My hearts desire is to follow Jesus’ example and to be faithful no matter what is going on, that the Lord gets the glory through every circumstance, no matter how unpleasant it may be for me.
Here’s where I am so thankful and really have found myself just weeping over so many times. While Jesus struggled, he had asked his disciples to pray and to stay alert for him. Of course they didn’t understand the magnitude of what was about to happen, but Jesus spend these moments of anguish alone.
45 When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. 46 “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”
I pray so hard that I will not fall into temptation to doubt and that through this process my faith will grow deeper and I will see the face of Jesus like I never have before. I am so thankful….so thankful…. so thankful for the messages, Bible passages and everything else from everyone. Unlike Jesus, I have been surrounded by people who are not asleep. They are warriors battling for me and keeping me focused and going. I could not be faithful or fight without you. I need you and I am so thankful for your faithfulness and support. We are going to have an amazing story to tell through this!
Here’s a picture of my mask
Nicole, this is already an amazing story. Can’t wait to see what else God reveals through you.
I know isn’t God good? Praise Him . Blessings
Praying with you your heart’s desire.
Your story has already touched me and many family members.
You are loved.
Julie ❤
Thanks Julie – God has a plan and his great story to tell. I pray so hard that people will hear it and choose to live it out! blessings
Not sure where your going or who your oncologist is, but if your at Carti I had wonderful Doctors and the radiation technicians were amazing. I know it’s hard, God knows it’s hard so don’t be afraid to show your emotions, because God also knows your heart.
Love you ❤️
Thanks TIna! So glad to get to praise God yesterday for your awesome news. He is good.
Hi Nicole,
I wore my own mask for 7 weeks this February – March. I was diagnosed with a malignant tumor on my left tonsil. I asked the Lord to send me 2 big angels to help me with my claustrophobic past experience. The Lord did and the result was that it got me outside of my mask in the spirit. The mask became my friend and I used my session every day to pray for family n friends. I also prayed with the technicians that helped me.
What a story Robert! THank you for the encouragement as i walk into this. Love thinking about praying for others while I’m in there.
Nicole, what an amazing witness you are and such grace. We are praying for you constantly along with our church members. We love you!
Thank you! I am humbled by so many prayer warriors
My prayers are with you; thank you for sharing your journey and your incredible faith; I appreciate your honesty and your vulnerability. I pray you win over cancer and I pray your family remains strong .
Thank you Cyndi…only with the Lord is all of that possible!
You and your family are in my prayers! May God Bless you and hear all our prayers. Stay strong.
Thank you! Depending greatly on the Lord!
This was so encouraging to read tonight. God does know who or what to send to us when we need it. I’m not dealing with a diagnosis like yours but I am walking the road of a very rapidly progressing diagnosis of Alzheimer’s with my mother. I have been praying for unwavering Faith for myself and for my mom and will add you and your family to my list as well.
Thank you Melissa. I will be praying for your mother, so hard to hear that. Thank you for reaching out. Blessings
Thank you Nicole, for every thought you share! The Holy Spirit is giving you such incredible insight into the heart of God. Press on girl! This is amazing❤️
Nicole, our prayers will be with you and your doctors and nurses. As well as Scott and the children. We will pray for complete healing . I would like to add you to our prayer list at First Methodist here in STUTTGART if that is ok with you. Hugs and prayers as you go on your journey. Jan. Jeremiah 29:11
Yes please do. I believe in the power of prayer. Thank you!
Breast Cancer,ugh! I remember going for my simulation appointment where they set up all the equipment to direct the radiation beam. I was of course anxious, but I was very relieved to be beyond the shock of diagnosis and all statistics associated with the outcome spinning in my head. Radiation just became part of my daily routine. I went to work, ate lunch during my drive to radiation and back to work. Towards the last couple weeks I suddenly was tired. And then that part was over! I had made it through diagnosis and radiation. I didn’t know God as well then, but He was there patiently waiting for me to realize that He was my source of strength. You already know that! I am sure your treatment plan is much more extensive than mine. You are a strong person, but yet you will become stronger as you begin and end each phase of your treatment. (Scott may have to watch out! Humor always helps). I am praying for you and your family !
(Hope this helps and isn’t like ” high jacking” your blog)
Thank you for sharing your battle with me. So glad your battle wasn’t wasted and that you grew to know the Lord in a deeper way. Now you have taken the opportunity to minister and encourage me. I am thankful for that. Blessings and prayers for you!
Nicole. Kevin Lyon my son asked that I pray for you and family. Told me how you had witnessed to Josh and Libby. And touched so
Many other lives. I thank God for you and I Will be praying
Thank you Ms Patty! I feel so special that you will pray for me. Your family has meant so much to me for so long. The Lord’s got a plan and he’s not going to waste this. Blessings
Nicole, I’m just so sorry that you’re having to go through this. Your kids are especially in my heart as you all prepare for this fight. They are dear to me. I hope you all feel surrounded by love from all of your friends and family.
Thanks Jessica….I am at peace and completely trusting of what the Lord is going to do in and through this. The kids will grow and they will have a better understanding on how to minister to others in love. Thank you for the note! Blessings
Nicole, I am in awe of your strength and faith. I don’t know what the lesson is but I do know that I am learning from you everyday as you share your faith and surety in Gods plan. Don’t know you well, but I’m praying for you everyday and so is our family. We love Garrett, and through him, love you. You are touching my heart and mind in ways I’ve never thought possible. Love you, Jill Jones
Thanks Jill. If lives are not touched through this, than I am wasting the message the Lord desires to give. I am trusting him and depending on him every moment. Thank you
Nicole, you are one amazing lady—one whom I greatly admire. Additionally, you are one stalwart lady of faith and our Lord honors that!
You are extremely courageous to document your journey. Thank you for not giving up, but instead, being an example of one who truly trusts the Lord.
Karen and I continue to pray for you, Scott, and your children!
Thank you so much Tom! I am completely dependent on the prayers of the faithful ones. Blessings
Praying for you and your family. Reminds me of the struggles I had after my accident. I will say this….when God brings a storm to your life so that He may be glorified, you learn so much and your relationship with God goes in a direction that many will never get to travel. Your relationship transcends the shallow and moves into deep stuff that you never thought you would ever see or comprehend. And all the while…through the pain and rollercoaster ride of emotions you get to see what Moses saw when God put him in the cleft of the rock and past by….you see God in ways most Christians will never get to see. Why you? Because God wants His name and His character to shine bright for the world to see. And right now, He has picked your world to shine in. Oh the great things He will reveal to you. Verses you thought you understood will now become bigger than life. Time will be more valuable than ever. You will come to see that what most consider bad you will see as God’s good “for all things work together for the good of them who love God and who are called according to HIS purposes”. You have been called. It wont be easy. But the benefits outweigh any discomfort this life will bring. For you will get to see God’s “hinder” parts [as stated in KJV]. Mostly, you will get to tell others of the MOST wonder, glory, majesty, holy, great and powerful God. His name will be lifted up through your testimony. God loves you and nothing can separate you from HIM!
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I believe every word you said. Please keep praying for me! Blessings
Praying for you every day. God is bigger than any obstacle we encounter in our life.
Thank you – relying completely on him!
I pray your faith and prayers of family, friends, people you will meet on this journey will strengthen you daily. On those days you may have doubts or just get down, because you are allowed to do that, you will gain renewed strength from these prayers. God Bless
Thank you – I know I am going to battle Satan every second. Thank you for the prayers
Hi Nicole, I love your words & faith. I am on a journey as well & have a “mask”. I will follow your journey & keep you in my prayers.
Thank you sweet friend. We will journey and battle together! Thanks for the message
Thank you Renee. You are on my list and I now have new people to pray for and to encourage on this journey. Thank you for reaching out and praying for me. Blessings
Thanks Michele! I am so blessed to be prayed for by so many. Thank you! Blessings
Nicole, I have a new respect for you. I pray you will continue to have such an amazing attitude as this journey continues. You are a blessing in so many ways and I’m happy that you have left a fingerprint in my daughter’s life. Stay strong and please let us know if you need anything at all!!!
Thanks Cassandra! Completely trusting and walking forward. He has a story to tell in all of this and I don’t know why he chose to use me for it…. but, he has blessed me so much already and I am just waiting to see what he plans to do. Thank you for the oils…I love using them everyday~ . Blessings – and your daughter will always be my sweet little hugger and has been so much fun to get to know.
You have a great talent for writing and for sharing your faith through it. May God strengthen you and give you all the endurance for this path He has put you on. May He grant you much wisdom as you seek the answers and treatment best suited for you and help you boldly run towards it. God, also grant the doctors wisdom in their sight of what is there, in their advice moving forward and steady their trust in you as they treat Nicole. Protect and carry them through this journey to total and complete healing.
Thank you Debbie! Trusting the Lord moment by moment. He has a plan for me and I am just resting on his shoulder and ready to move when he calls me to. Blessings and continue to pray!
Prayers for you and your family throughout this journey! May your blog be of comfort for many that are on the same journey as you! I know that God will be holding your hand and will be by your side every step! Nicole, Scott and family all our love! Jerry and Carol
Thanks Carol . living in complete trust. He’s got this! Thanks