Sunday is always such a relief for me. It’s the beginning of the week, but it is there to help me focus my week on what’s important and to really spend time with my creator. Today was tough. He knows that. I wanted to just crawl in his lap and allow him to comfort me and hold me. He allowed me that opportunity but, then spoke his sweetness into my soul. To comfort and encourage me to press on EVEN in what I’m facing now. He isn’t surprised by my circumstances, he has allowed them and desires to teach me and guide me through them.
Even though all of this is pretty new, I can already see him working in my life. He has reminded me of the journey he has already taken me on and how he has showed up and worked to grow me closer to him and to show me where I needed to allow him to mold me and use me.
I’m not going to pretend to know why or how this is all going to go. Because I don’t know. But, I know the one who does know. That brings me comfort and focus for the unknown that is coming a head for me. I know God loves me. I know He desires to grow me. I know he is going to use my life and experiences to bring others to himself. And I am humbled by all of that.
I have been recently thinking about an experience I had as teenager and don’t know why the Lord has brought it to my mind, but I know things don’t just happen. When I was 16, I was helping coach a soccer team. I was on my way to a tourney with a teammate/co-coach when we were hit and involved in a serious car wreck. The Lord graciously moved the car to keep her and myself from the brunt of the hit, but one of my little player’s dad was driving the car and he was hit. It ended up being one of those scenes in the movies with the jaws of life and helicopters. It was a moment for me that changed my life. I was a happy teenager with things going great and here I was covered in glass and blood in a car waiting to be rescued. As a teenager obviously my looks meant a lot to me and it was hard for me to be cut up and wondering how things were going to be years down the road. I worried about my collegiate career and finding a guy who would love my scarred faced.
As I look back at what the Lord did through that situation, I can see the Lord working all through it. But, I failed. Sometime after I went through the situation, one of my friends was also in a car wreck, slashed her face up and went through some of the same things I had gone through. I wasn’t mature enough at the time to understand the opportunity the Lord had given me to minister to someone else. To take the focus off of myself and to use my battle to encourage someone else. This has stuck with me and I have gone back to it many times. I vowed I would never waste a moment that the Lord gave me and I would trust that my difficulties had purpose and He would use them for my good, his glory and for others.
I don’t know where this journey is taking me in the end. But, I know the one who walks beside me. He hasn’t changed or become less than what he was a week ago. He has called me to come deep and to trust him and through my life I’ve learned he’s the only one I can truly trust no matter what I see.
I sat in church today and I wept. I wept because I know that the Lord of the universe has decided to use my life for something greater than I expected. I wept because he has a plan and someday I’ll know the why. I wept because I am surrounded by such amazing family and friends who love me and sacrifice so much to serve me. Cancer stinks and it’s not God’s design. But, he can use the worst of things to do the best of things. I raise my hand to say, “Lord here I am and if going through this brings me closer to you and if going through this draws others to you, then I surrender and together we are going to move mountains!” It’s Sunday and God is on his throne, working in my life and I don’t know why he chose me at this moment for this situation, but someday I will know and I will be thankful for what the Lord has done.
“There is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me.” Philippians 3:13-14
Prayer Requests:
- My strength and heart to be focused on the Lord NO MATTER WHAT
- Right questions and direction when we meet with doctors
- To minister to my kids, the teens on my teams and other teens who struggle with the why in all of this
- For Scott and I to just grow closer and closer together through this
