Hope Warrior

Today is Tuesday and honestly Sunday and Monday were sort of a blur for me.  I had been blessed to be prayed over Sunday at church and through Scott’s cousin who drove down from Kansas to lay hands on me.  I believe that the Lord may have used his power, spoken through his people to heal me, but I don’t know that at this moment so I have been living in a very real battle.

I have really been at peace with this whole situation and I cannot explain how that’s possible, except that God has given that peace to me.  A clear path had been given to me to follow for treatment and I was focused on that walking forward.  However, the Lord decided to give me something new and now it’s a battle in my mind and what to do going forward.

We have been blessed with a wonderful neighbor who works at UAMS in the brain tumor area – sorry I know there’s correct titles and specific jobs, but I don’t remember!  Anyway, Scott and I have been given the opportunity to go today to visit with a doctor who specializes in removing tumors prior to treatment.  He feels like my tumors could be removed and then with a clean brain cavity we attack the remaining cells through radiation and chemo.  The whole idea of this has really tripped me up and now I’m really praying through which direction the Lord desires for us to follow.  I have to admit it’s a lot to allow someone access close to my brain and work in there when something could get cut or something could happen while they are in there.  There’s the second part of this which is that the second surgery they would have me awake while they remove things.  I’ve never been a doctor person or surgery person so it’s all new to me.  So I am battling the fear, the unknown and the correct path to follow.

I am really asking for serious prayer for me today.  Here is where I need you to focus:

• No FEAR – that I may completely trust the Lord in the decision that is best for us
• Clear DIRECTION – Scott and I are praying that we will have peace to know which direction we follow – it’s an either or
• Confident DECISION – I’m not a confident decision maker and I love to get other people’s input.  I know in the end the final decision on what we choose will rest on my shoulders and that is hard for me to accept.
• Total HEALING – praying that God uses whichever direction to completely heal me.  I haven’t focused on this much, but I know that God desires for us to ask what is on our hearts so I am asking for this

The devil desires to pick me off and to not allow the story of Christ to penetrate the hearts of those the Lord is drawing close.  But we have been given a battle plan.  I was reading through 1 Peter 5:8-11 and these Truths were necessary for me today and I pray they speak to your heart as well:

8 – Be ALERT and of SOBER MIND.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

• We must understand that we are in a battle.  When we sit back and relax we allow ourselves to be an easy target and our faith and growth will be affected.  We must call out these attacks and stand behind Jesus so we come forth victorious.

9- RESIST him, standing FIRM in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

• Hard times are rarely things we rejoice over.  However, in my life I have seen the Lord grow me and use the hardest times to make my faith stronger and who he is more real then the easy times.
• We are never walking this journey alone.  I have been so blessed by so many of you as you share your stories of your own lives and it has encouraged me to press forward and continue to keep my eyes fixed forward on the Lord.  The Lord never wastes are suffering.  Thank you for encouraging me and lifting me up as you share your own battles.

10- And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will HIMSELF RESTORE YOU and make you STRONG, FIRM AND STEADFAST.

• I am clinging to this promise and truth.  God HIMSELF will restore me and he will use this to make me strong, my faith firm and steadfast.  He promises to never waste our difficulties.  I don’t know what my restoration will look like – but I do know in the end I will be restored completely in his glory to worship him forever.

11-TO HIM BE THE POWER  for every and ever. Amen.

• God has all the power to heal me….today….next week or when he chooses.  I am asking him to do that.  I don’t know if his desire is to use this new opportunity that has been given to me or that he desires to use what we had planned before.  But I believe that he has the power to do it.

Please pray through these verses with me the next couple of days. We will have many decisions to make and I want to be faithful to follow the Lord’s path for us.  I don’t want to get pulled into the battle and I don’t want to allow the devil to have one moment of my life to distract me or pull me away from what the Lord desires to do through me.

Thank you friends for holding up my arms in this battle, like Joshua and Hur did for Moses in Exodus 17-I cannot walk and succeed in this battle alone – I need arm holders to defeat this! 

“I am counting on the Lord; yes, I am counting on him.  I have put my hope in his word.”  Psalm 130:5

As I sit to write this, let me just say I have been blessed.  I am blessed by so many visits, messages and scriptures that you all have been sending me.  You are keeping me focused on what is True and what is important so that I can battle and stand securely where the Lord has placed me.

Today is Sunday.  I had been asked by our pastor if I would be willing to come and be prayed over at church.  I am a firm believer in prayer and I knew that if the opportunity was presented I would never hesitate.  I believe God can move and I also believe that our faith grows as we choose to ask God to do the miraculous.  It was an opportunity to share with our church family where we are and for each of us to be able to say, “Lord we trust you to move because your Word clearly tells us you will when we come to you.”  I have to admit I have been just at peace with this whole situation that I wasn’t expecting to cry or to be broken… but I was wrong.

Today at church we were finishing the book of Colossians.  We read Colossians 4:2-5 and the Lord spoke to me clearly and rocked me out of where I was when I walked into church this morning.  He desired me to really know his heart for me and to step forward obediently and I didn’t see it coming until I was knee deep in his word.

So here’s what he spoke over me today:

Colossians 4:2-5

“Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. ”

• Devote – be steadfast, don’t give up in prayer – be persistent when you talk to the Lord.  When we pray we will are in a battle.  A very real battle.  When we pray in thanksgiving we are reminded what God has already done in our lives and that we can indeed trust him

“And pray for us, too, that God may open a door for our message, so that we may proclaim the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains.  Pray that I may proclaim it clearly, as I should.”

• When I read these verses I wept.  I know that God has given me an open door to proclaim who he is.  Here Paul is in chains and on the road to death, and his only concern was for others to hear the gospel and to be saved.  He wasn’t concerned with his own self or what the end result may be.  That’s real living faith.  Pray that I see this picture of the door the Lord has given me and to walk through it in all confidence knowing he will use it to demonstrate who he is.

“Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.  Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”

• The Lord has given me this opportunity and I want to be faithful to how he desires for me to use every moment.  I want to be full of grace (giving people what they don’t deserve), seasoned with salt (living out the Truth of the gospel so they may desire it for themselves) and with wisdom to know how to love those around me who are hurting and need a touch from Jesus.

For God’s perfect wisdom he has decided to use this platform, this door, to proclaim his truth.  I don’t know why chose to use me.  This wasn’t my plan.  I cried in church just wondering what the Lord saw in me that would accomplish his will in this way.  He didn’t tell me, but he’s asking me to trust him and walk forward through the door he has opened.

I don’t know what the Lord is going to do specifically in and through this, but I am focused on his heart and I’ve seen him show up too much in my life that I know he won’t waste this. I pray for you too.  We all are given a door and so often we shut the door, discount it’s importance or we walk away.  Today, ask Him to show you your door and then that he will fill you with the courage to walk through it.

I am praying through some of these truths right now….

Thank you for the continued prayers.  I had planned to finish this yesterday and the Lord desired for me to rest a bit instead so I’m just finishing this up now.  Thank you all.

“When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” 

Psalm 94:19

As I am sitting here getting to write this, it occurs to me that this is the first Saturday in over a month at least that I have nothing on my schedule.  The steroids have me busy working and cleaning but, I have no where to be.  May was filled with the end of the soccer season and state tourneys and getting ready to try and pull out the state high school championship.  The last two weeks ends were filled with hospital stays and getting the diagnosis that we are now faced with.  So I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that it’s Saturday and I have no where to be and no schedule.  Very different for me.

This past week has been filled with dr appointments and working through the diagnosis and new reality that we will face moving forward.  Some days I wonder if it’s really hit me or has God really just given me the peace I need to not have one ounce of worry at all.  While I am at peace, I have to be honest getting the mask fitting yesterday wasn’t as easy as I had hoped and prayed it would be.

It reminded me of the movie “Man in the Iron Mask” where one of the twin brothers was forced to live with a metal mask on his face as punishment from his brother.  The moment the mask was removed – you could see freedom and rest he hadn’t experienced before.  This image came to my mind as I lay on the table getting my own mask fitted yesterday.

For my radiation treatment I will go for 6 weeks everyday to basically lay on a machine and get specific passes of radiation for a small time frame.  I don’t know exactly how many minutes it will take, but I have been ok with the idea of it and accepted it as what I need to do.  Well, yesterday I went in to get my mask fitted for the table.  Some of you will know what I’m talking about and some of you may have had your own mask fitting at some point – goodness if this is you, so many prayers and new understanding.  It was new to me.

I walked into the room and they told me I needed to take out all my jewelry and I needed to take my braid and cute little scarf off my hair and then lay on the table.  They needed to band my legs together I guess so I didn’t move and then the tech began working on the foam pillow my head was on so it was formed however it was supposed to be.  He showed me the flat screen that they would warm for 5 minutes to put over my head and he finished what he needed to do.  He brought the flat mask over to attach to my head and then we realized my hair would get stuck to the mask, so we really need a shower cap on first to save my hair, lol.  So we did that and then had to wait another 5 minutes for the new mask to warm up.

As he brought the mask over, I really was relaxed just focused and spending time talking to the Lord in my mind.  He pulled the flat plastic (which would open for holes once stretched), and worked to attach it to the table.  I had been warned I couldn’t move at all and he worked to create little pockets of air for my nose and encouraged me to open my mouth a bit so I could breath through my mouth as well.

Did I enjoy this process?  No.  Was I ok?  Yes.  Did I stay ok, probably not – but, thankfully the beeping and movement didn’t last any longer so the heat sweats and racing heart didn’t cause me to scream or start over.  I don’t tell you all of this to make you feel bad for me or freak you out, but for you to understand what getting a mask is like and a way for you to pray for me going forward.  I will be strapped under this mask everyday and I can’t move while I’m there.  I’m praying the Lord gives me focus and clarity for those moments so that I can sing in my mind or review Bible passages and not allow my heart to race too fast and affect my breathing.  No wonder I never wanted to be an astronaut!

As I thought about this I was reminded that Jesus made the decision to do what no one else would’ve chosen to do, to march to the cross and die for each of us.  He knew what it would entail and yet he depended on his father in order to fulfill his calling.  The night he was arrested Jesus was in anguish and you can see the depth of the stress of what he would endure in this passage from Luke 21:

³⁹ Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.⁴⁰ On reaching the place, he said to them, “Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” ⁴¹ He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, ⁴² “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” ⁴³ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.⁴⁴ And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.^[a]

While Jesus loves us, he knew the journey he was going to have to go down and being fully human he knew it would hurt, he knew he would be separated from the Father and knew the cost of choosing to walk that road.  As I read this and know the journey that is in front of me I can learn a lot by following Jesus’ example:

1.  I must be completely reliant and focused on prayer
2. I must never look and focus on my own desire – I must be submitted to and committed to what the Lord desire to do in and through me
3. I must be honest with the Lord on my struggles and be vulnerable so he can fill me and lead me
4. The Lord will send me who/what I need so that I can walk this journey and remain faithful
5. Jesus’ physical body showed signs of the stress of what was going on inside of him and what would take place – I myself must expect moments of difficulty – mentally and physically going forward

These are ways you can pray for me as I begin this journey.  My hearts desire is to follow Jesus’ example and to be faithful no matter what is going on,  that the Lord gets the glory through every circumstance, no matter how unpleasant it may be for me.

Here’s where I am so thankful and really have found myself just weeping over so many times.  While Jesus struggled, he had asked his disciples to pray and to stay alert for him.  Of course they didn’t understand the magnitude of what was about to happen, but Jesus spend these moments of anguish alone.

⁴⁵ When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow. ⁴⁶ “Why are you sleeping?” he asked them. “Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.”

I pray so hard that I will not fall into temptation to doubt and that through this process my faith will grow deeper and I will see the face of Jesus like I never have before.  I am so thankful….so thankful…. so thankful for the messages, Bible passages and everything else from everyone.  Unlike Jesus, I have been surrounded by people who are not asleep.  They are warriors battling for me and keeping me focused and going.  I could not be faithful or fight without you.  I need you and I am so thankful for your faithfulness and support.  We are going to have an amazing story to tell through this!

Here’s a picture of my mask

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “This is the way, walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21

So I’ve had a few days to begin to see doctors and to begin to live this life battling cancer and it’s affects.  My life has been one of ease really.  No doctor appointments and no struggles.  A few years ago I started swelling up from ibuprofen and so I had to quit taking that.  I’ve never struggled with my health and I have honestly probably taken it for granted.  Who has time to deal with health issues anyway?  It’s amazing how much can change in just a couple weeks.

One of the blessings of this cancer right now is the steroid they have given me.  So, I’ve always been a pretty busy person getting stuff done and moving…now that’s been kicked up a bit.  I’m constantly looking for things to do and keeping busy, doing something.  I’m hoping before they take me off of it I’ve gone through every corner of my house!  I need to!  So much to do and I guess the blessing right now is that I have the time to get some stuff done.

One of the things I’ve never liked doing is going to the doctor.  Never had a reason to go really and I’ve been very thankful that it hasn’t been needed.  The last couple days my days have been focused on doctor appointments and beginning the process of setting up my treatment.  It’s hard to sit and listen to the doctor talk to you about how you have cancer and what will need to happen to help you fight this thing.  It doesn’t matter that they are pulling staples out of your head and you are obviously the one they are talking about, when in reality you don’t feel like it could be you.  I look at the other people in the waiting room and my heart breaks for them because they are sick…and then you remember that you are technically sick too.  Honestly, I just want to get the blood drawn get done and get to living – coaching again.  Who has time for this?

Here’s the deal.  I firmly believe this.  The Lord has brought me to this point for a reason.  The more I have poured over scripture, he keeps speaking to me and asking me to trust him.  No matter what the doctors tell me or the treatment plan or whatever, the Lord is saying, “do you trust me?”  I always thought I did.  But my faith hasn’t been tested or put out there like it is now.  He is asking me to follow him and to walk in the way he is leading me.  Does that mean it’s all been easy?  No.  Does that mean I would want to go back to my life I was living 2 weeks ago, yes.  But, he knows me better than I know myself and He has designed an opportunity for me to know him in a greater way and to really determine if my faith is genuine.

My faith is tested when I hear the doctors talking about my treatment.  My faith is tested when the scans really do show what people tell me they show.  My faith is tested when my head is sore from the incision.  My faith is tested when I look at my family and I have to think, will I see them here in 10 years.  But, the Lord has given me his peace.   He desires for me to keep my eyes fixed on him and his Truth and to live each day to love others and point them to the cross.  I can’t explain how he has done this in my life, but he has.  I choose Jesus above all else and trust that He will lead me where he desires to use me.  Today I choose to walk where he calls me and to rely completely on him for every moment of every day.

Please continue to pray for me to have opportunities to encourage and share my story with others.  I would like this cancer to not only change me, but to change anyone who will take the time to allow Jesus to speak to them through me.

Sunday is always such a relief for me.  It’s the beginning of the week, but it is there to help me focus my week on what’s important and to really spend time with my creator.  Today was tough.  He knows that.  I wanted to just crawl in his lap and allow him to comfort me and hold me.  He allowed me that opportunity but, then spoke his sweetness into my soul.  To comfort and encourage me to press on EVEN in what I’m facing now.  He isn’t surprised by my circumstances, he has allowed them and desires to teach me and guide me through them.

Even though all of this is pretty new, I can already see him working in my life.  He has reminded me of the journey he has already taken me on and how he has showed up and worked to grow me closer to him and to show me where I needed to allow him to mold me and use me.

I’m not going to pretend to know why or how this is all going to go.  Because I don’t know.  But, I know the one who does know.  That brings me comfort and focus for the unknown that is coming a head for me.  I know God loves me.  I know He desires to grow me.  I know he is going to use my life and experiences to bring others to himself.  And I am humbled by all of that.

I have been recently thinking about an experience I had as teenager and don’t know why the Lord has brought it to my mind, but I know things don’t just happen.  When I was 16, I was helping coach a soccer team.  I was on my way to a tourney with a teammate/co-coach when we were hit and involved in a serious car wreck.  The Lord graciously moved the car to keep her and myself from the brunt of the hit, but one of my little player’s dad was driving the car and he was hit.  It ended up being one of those scenes in the movies with the jaws of life and helicopters.  It was a moment for me that changed my life.  I was a happy teenager with things going great and here I was covered in glass and blood in a car waiting to be rescued.  As a teenager obviously my looks meant a lot to me and it was hard for me to be cut up and wondering how things were going to be years down the road.  I worried about my collegiate career and finding a guy who would love my scarred faced.

As I look back at what the Lord did through that situation, I can see the Lord working all through it.  But, I failed.  Sometime after I went through the situation, one of my friends was also in a car wreck, slashed her face up and went through some of the same things I had gone through.  I wasn’t mature enough at the time to understand the opportunity the Lord had given me to minister to someone else.  To take the focus off of myself and to use my battle to encourage someone else.  This has stuck with me and I have gone back to it many times.  I vowed I would never waste a moment that the Lord gave me and I would trust that my difficulties had purpose and He would use them for my good, his glory and for others.

I don’t know where this journey is taking me in the end.  But, I know the one who walks beside me.  He hasn’t changed or become less than what he was a week ago.  He has called me to come deep and to trust him and through my life I’ve learned he’s the only one I can truly trust no matter what I see.

I sat in church today and I wept.  I wept because I know that the Lord of the universe has decided to use my life for something greater than I expected.  I wept because he has a plan and someday I’ll know the why.   I wept because I am surrounded by such amazing family and friends who love me and sacrifice so much to serve me.  Cancer stinks and it’s not God’s design.  But, he can use the worst of things to do the best of things.  I raise my hand to say, “Lord here I am and if going through this brings me closer to you and if going through this draws others to you, then I surrender and together we are going to move mountains!”  It’s Sunday and God is on his throne, working in my life and I don’t know why he chose me at this moment for this situation, but someday I will know and I will be thankful for what the Lord has done.

“There is one thing I always do.  Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead, I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me.”  Philippians 3:13-14

Prayer Requests:

• My strength and heart to be focused on the Lord NO MATTER WHAT
• Right questions and direction when we meet with doctors
• To minister to my kids, the teens on my teams and other teens who struggle with the why in all of this
• For Scott and I to just grow closer and closer together through this